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Renew or not to renew.. February marks a year

It’s been almost a year since I started this blog.  I must admit that when I started this blog I had every intention of getting my shit together. I planned on doing some great paintings, drawings, and crafts that someone would want and love. I planned on putting some of these out as products and hopefully offer my family another source of income. We all know how expensive college is and my teen is rapidly approaching that milestone. She will be college bound in less than 4  years. I could cry but I’ll save that for another day. A few weeks ago I received my notice from my web host (there is a link on my home page if you are looking for a host, I am happy with their price and services) that my site was up for renewal. When I received that email it was like a nice big kick in the ass. It made me realize that I didn’t really carry out any of goals that I set for myself. I know I posted once or twice that I planned to have some products available for purchase in August of last year. Failed!  It also made me think of how little I really posted and it was just another reminder that I started something that I do not seem to have time to keep up with or finish.  I started to think about what it meant to not renew and no longer have my Painted Diva blog.  For me it meant a lot more than I really knew. Maybe I needed a year to go by so that I could see how much it means to me to me to express myself through my blog. Then I realized something else. I haven’t truly been expressing myself at all. I’ve held back. Afraid to blog about certain things because they were things that should probably go in a personal journal and not be shared with the world. ” Screw that!”, I say. I don’t pay attention to a damn thing on the web that does not interest or affect me in some way.  I sure as hell cannot expect someone to read my blog or take interest if I’m not committed myself.

I think I realized that it is not  just the painting, just the drawing, or just the writing.  It’s all forms of art and everything that draws me in and everything that doesn’t. It’s being indecisive but still having an opinion. It’s the chance to live in this crazy fast paced technology driven world. It’s the opportunity to share the good, the bad, and the ridiculous. It is the crazy need that seems to burn deep and it is that same need that  sometimes cannot be explained in words but the challenge within that makes me want to explain “it” so badly.

So I decided that I will renew and will continue with Painted Diva. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can still be a great mom, a great wife, a valuable employee (I do have a full-time job in account management) and still make time to blog. Let me rephrase that. I think to be a better mom, a better wife, and even a more valuable employee, it is important that I blog. I’ve realized that although yes it would be nice to make some extra money, by doing the things that I love and sharing them with others, it is more important to me to just first do what I love and take it from there.

So there you have it. Another chapter begins….

xoxo

In the Shading

At the Moment

arms open widely

pulled in

partly quivering lips

words have no meaning here

beads of sweat

snailing down, from the brow

could see your soul

through the glassy glaze

melted together

now joined

disappearing in the shading

as if to have never been.

 

One last breath

This poem is a little dark but certainly not my darkest. I’m not sure what year I wrote this but it must have been those lovely teenage years. Ha! Ha! (I have never killed anyone…yet) Kidding! Relax!

One last breath

that is all you need

just one more

as you lie there and bleed.

I’m sorry about this

I did not mean

to cause you harm

I felt you touch me

and damn you were warm.

I started to sink

kind of like melted

there is no way to imagine

the way that I felt then.

So here I am

slightly kneeling down

but I have to do this

so you will never be found.